Day 22: American As Fuck

In honor of the 4th of July my sister Katie and I decided to participate in the great American pasttime: rampant consumerism. 

We trekked out to the National Harbor outlet mall where I finally embraced my inner Dave Rose and loaded up on some sweet v’s.

Next up, befriending Colin Hanks (yes, that Hanks).

Highlights 

  • The only thing more American than shopping at an outlet mall is apparently coming to a dead stop in the middle of major thoroughfares and blocking the way for everyone else. 
  • Our other sister Liz begged us to come hang out with her at her house and this happened:


This is what I get for being so good at my former job!

Price is Right-cap

Oh fuck, I forgot to write this earlier. Ummm, it was 4th of July themed. I was mostly talking to my new roommate. Also, there was a dollar on the wheel during both Showcase Showdowns which just adds credence to my theory that the showdowns are rigged. 

Best Moment: A dude absolutely rocked 1/2 Off narrowing it down to two boxes! He chose box #4 “in honor of Beyoncè.” He won $10,000 in case you ever doubted the power of Beyoncè.

Worst Moment: They played Hole in One [or Two] and Drew missed the putt. Bob Barker is still rolling in his grave. 

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 5/10. My brother-in-law Wes and I had a few beers. 

Healthy Eating: 0/10. Even after hearing all I’d had during the day was coffee, my sisters refused to let me eat. At one point Liz came out with a bag of Tortilla chips and said “well this is MY dinner.”

Sanity: 7/10. I somehow kept it together and didn’t murder any outlet shoppers. 

True Love: 0/10. A woman on Bumble asked me how I was celebrating the 4th and I responded “I don’t really think America deserves celebrating.”

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2 thoughts on “Day 22: American As Fuck”

  1. Grudgingly accepted your presence at my house is more like it. And Healthy Eating should read: “I explicitly rejected the menu my sister had planned.”

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