Since this blog is ostensibly about me not having a job I thought it’d be fun to take a tour of all the jobs I quit while in high school.
I literally forgot I had this job until a second before posting, so I don’t have a photo.
It was a horrible job that made me hate food and ice cream. Luckily I broke my arm playing rugby and had to quit after a few weeks.
My first real job was as a cashier at K-Mart. It was generally terrible, but since nobody shopped at K-Mart I had time to read for school.
I was working there during the height of the “War on Christmas” and one day an old man came in and asked if I could say “Merry Christmas.” When I said “no,” he got in my face and shouted “well I say ‘Merry Christmas!'” so I slammed my hands on my counter and shouted back “well I don’t CELEBRATE Christmas!” He stormed out of the store and I got all of Hannukah off.
I finally quit when I got in trouble for not forcing enough predatory credit cards on customers. And by “quit” I mean “found a new job and stopped showing up.”
12 years later all I can is “check and mate, bitches!”
My next job was literally 100 yards away cashiering at Kohl’s.
It was fun at first because I was working with my friend Alex. Also, I took my breaks outside instead of in the breakroom, so the manager who was a heavy smoker thought I smoked too and was always super chill to me.
Eventually, that manager got fired for the ultimate crime of looking for other jobs, and the GM found it necessary to launch a vendetta against all the teens who were “loyal” to her. I held out for a while, but finally quit when I caught two managers literally spying on me during a break.
Liberty Tax Services
My friend Alex – who also quit Kohl’s – and I then found jobs dressing as the Statue of Liberty and waving signs on the side of the highway for Liberty Tax Services.
We had such grand plans for that job, but it was the middle of winter and they were upset we didn’t take the job seriously.
After I quit, they tried to keep my final paycheck and I had to fight to finally get it. Years later Liberty was outed as a scam, but is somehow still in business.
Starbucks in Target
I originally applied to Target to help them open their Quakertown store, but they refused to hire me because I’d be going to college in six months.
A few months later they were so desperate for people that they basically hired me without an interview. Two weeks later I was running that Starbucks.
When I left for college they assured me they’d keep me on the schedule, but when I called over Thanksgiving they said I’d have to re-apply. Obviously my response was to tell them to go fuck themselves.
- Big ups to Pokemon Go for making people less concerned by me pulling up to random locations, taking photos and driving away. I guess also big ups to being white? Ugh, fuck the world.
- My mom and I spent the majority of the day sitting in our backyard reading. Finally, some time to relax!
- My cousins Danny and Patrick, Pat’s girlfriend Sam, Danny’s friend Kevin and I went to the Allentown Brew Works for drinks. Fegley’s Brew Works was one of the few craft breweries nearby when I was in college and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
- The couple at the booth next to us were super drunk and making out. They were going at it so hard that when they left the dude forgot his jacket and credit card. They were back about ten minutes later to get them, which just made us feel bad for the woman.
Pete Wentz was on the newest episode of Match Game and he was an absolute delight. At one point he got so excited that he accidentally revealed that a contestant won the $25,000 Super Match early.
Also, I am apparently full of Pete Wentz knowledge. Aside from knowing him as the former Mr. Ashlee Simpson, I remembered that in college his club Angels & Kings was known for not carding, but also for getting raided by the police. I never went.
Best Moment: Tituss Burgess appropriately shamed the judges into accepting “Pinot Noir” as a match for “Jay-Z’s penis.”
Worst Moment: Alec Baldwin pretended he knew or cared who Bobby Moynihan is.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 4/10. I may or may not still drink this bottle of Fegley’s Insidious Imperial Stout I bought to age.
Healthy Eating: 4/10. So much delicious garbage.
Sanity: 8/10. We’re all ok.
True Love: 0/10. My phone died before I convinced a girl from Tinder to meet up with us.
Vacation Hoagies: 4. Today was a good day.