Weekend Update: Bad Bar Crawl Edition

So my sister’s friend Miguel’s secret passion in life is planning terrible bar crawls. I missed the first crawl two years ago, but was luckily there for the sequel.

To up the ante, we trekked out to literal hell on Earth, Arlington,VA.

On the Metro ride out there a dad got on my train wearing a purple glowstick, so shit was already off the hook.


Hunan Number One

The supposed appeal of this first of many literal strip mall bars was its giant mugs of beer.

There was also an elderly man standing in the dark making sushi to order.

Overall I’d call it inoffensive.

Clarendon Grill

This place threatened a live 90’s cover band who definitely made a new #1 fan.


There was also a weird dude with a backpack dancing alone in the back of the crowd.

Mister Days

I don’t understand the name of this bar. Is it a reference? Is Mister Days a real person? If he is, he likes his strip mall bar wood-paneled and well lit.

There was also a strange mezzanine where we could stare down at all the sad and creepy people sadly mulling around on the “dance floor”.


On a more positive note, the bathroom attendant was kind enough to set up his cart to block both the door and the sink making taking a piss a tiresome chore.

Clarendon Ballroom.

I only have two rules when I go drinking: 1) I don’t wait in lines to drink and 2) I don’t pay for the privilege of entering a bar. This bar violated both rules.

It also looked and felt like an outdated suburban hotel that rented out its lobby for a crappy fraternity formal.


Eventually, I attempted to dance and my body responded by angrily throwing my beer to the ground.


Spider Kelly’s 

This place was mostly empty, but they still had a slow-moving line.

We had an entire side bar area to ourselves, and used that space to compare wingspans.

photo by Miguel.


 

*Bonus Bar* Dirty Bar:

People wanted to keep drinking, and since I needed to head in that general direction anyway, I decided to tag along.

I honestly don’t remember anything from this bar. I paid way too much for a beer then walked home. On my way, I stopped to drunkenly play Pokemon Go for a solid 30 minutes.

Highlights!

  • To nobody’s surprise, I woke up around noon on Saturday with a slight hangover.
  • An old coworker and one of the brewers from DC Brau who gave me a tour like 4 years ago and who I sporadically run into both came in to Atlas on Saturday. How weird that all these acquaintances visit me, but no friends.
  • I was super sore when I woke up on Sunday, so I spent the day re-watching Lady Dynamite.
  • I also watched Looking: the movie. I absolutely loved Looking, but condensing what would have been a season long story into an a hour and a half movie really highlighted all the things people criticize the show for.

Special Announcement

I’m excited to announce the first official Fun with Funemployment meet-up this Wednesday!

What: E.T: The Extra Terrestrial

Where: NoMA Summer Screen. 1200 First Street NE.

When: This Wednesday at 7ish.

No need to RSVP since I doubt anyone will come. I’ll probably get there after ninja class, if anyone wants to get there earlier and save a spot.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 3/10. I know I promised you all a 0/10, but I really didn’t drink the rest of the weekend.

Healthy Eating: 3/10. I had grand plans to eat real food this weekend, but on Saturday all I had was leftover Taylor Gourmet and on Sunday I had buffalo chicken nachos and ice cream.

True Love: 0/10. The girl I was supposed to go out with on Saturday ghosted me. More time for me to sleep.

Steps: 12,108

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