Weekend Update: Master Chef Edition

I spent a lot of this weekend cooking. You’d think I would have also spent a lot of this weekend eating, but prepare to be shocked when you get to the ratings.

As I hinted to in Friday’s post, I made roasted pork chops at 2 AM Saturday morning.


I browned (whitened?) the pork chops in olive oil, then mixed the drippings with shallots and hard cider to make a jus. To finish the pork chops, I put them in the oven with the jus for another 15 minutes. I was supposed to use thick-cut bone-in chops, but the pork was poorly organized in the grocery store and people kept coming over and standing near me, so I panicked and got some weird chops that had random bones in the middle. Otherwise they were fucking delicious.

On Sunday, I realized I hadn’t used the tomatoes I bought at the farmer’s market last weekend, so my solution was to go buy even more tomatoes and make tomato sauce. I was also too lazy/cheap to go buy pasta, so I decided to make my own cavatelli.


I wanted my pasta to be authentic so I decided to make the dough by hand (read: I don’t own a food processor ). The basic rule for pasta dough is 1 egg for every 1 cup of flour, but it can get a little complicated, so I’ve included some helpful instructions:

  1. Make a dome out of your flour on a wooden surface and use your hands to form a basin in the dome.
  2. Crack your eggs into the basin and begin beating them with a fork.
  3. Scramble to stop the egg yolks from escaping your basin and getting all over the table.
  4. Somehow make things worse.
  5. Panic and just start mashing everything together with your hands.
  6. Stare at the dry mass you have created.
  7. Add another egg.
  8. Repeat steps 3 – 5.
  9. Mumble “don’t be your dad, don’t get pissed and throw the dough away” to yourself.
  10. Alternate adding water and flour until your dough is neither dried and flaky nor gross and sticky
  11. Sigh
  12. Wrap your dough in plastic wrap and refrigerate.

For the sauce, I roasted plum, beefsteak,heirloom and other unidentified tomatoes with some basil, thyme, garlic, onions, mushrooms and hot peppers for 2.5 hours. Then I mixed everything in a blender and added salt, white wine and a little water to thin it out.

Guys, I’m really good at cooking.

Highlights!

  • I was so sore from parkour that I could barely move on Saturday. I eventually pulled myself together enough to buy a bottle of 500 ibuprofen. I’d track how long it takes me to take them all, but I can already tell you it will be concerning.
  • My old Executive Director came into Atlas on Saturday. We talked tons of shit on our old organization and reflected on how much happier we are now that we’re making no money. Granted, her “no money” is more than I was making with a job, but whatevs.
  • I’m really hooked on Gravity Falls right now. I sobbed uncontrollably at the episode about Soos and his dad.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 6/10. All this cooking means I had to stock up on booze. To make room in the fridge I had to diminish that stock.

Healthy Eating: 4/10. Between 2 AM on Saturday and 9 PM on Sunday all I ate was 3 pork chops.

Sanity: 8/10. I dunno, it was a good weekend.

True Love: -5/10. I’ve begun counter-programming my dates for when they inevitably cancel. I started making pasta knowing I wouldn’t be finished before the date I was supposed to have on Sunday, and I just scheduled a date for during parkour on Wednesday.

Steps: 12,452

 

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