Day 61: Two Months

Thank you for all your submissions in the first ever Fun with Funemployment essay contest. The goal was to summarize my first two months of funemployment with the best submission winning a prize. First, the runners up:

Elizabeth, Virginia 

Two words: touchin’ butts

Well Elizabeth, had you been paying close attention to my “True Love” rankings you would know that I have touched 0 butts this funemployment. Better luck next time.

Dylan, New Jersey


So close, but I feel that I didn’t exclusively cry during these past two months. 

And our winner is:

Screw you jerks!


  • I found a new bruise, so I skipped parkour again.  
  • Despite it being 1 million degrees outside, I went for a walk around sunset. It felt almost pleasant.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 5/10. It’s been a good day to sit inside drinking beer. 

Healthy Eating: 5/10. I was going to get a half smoke to celebrate Meats and Foods’ two year anniversary, but they were super busy, so I got korean fried chicken instead. 

Sanity: 5/10. I was kinda anxious today. 

True Love: 1/10. I was talking to a girl on Tinder and accidentally started creating a rich fantasy world where she was trying to set me up with a cursed, flesh eating puppet version of herself. She seemed into it. 

To further guarantee my continued lack of dates I followed that up with this:

Ninja Skillz: 0/10.


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