I didn’t give a speech at Zack and Diana’s reception because feelings are dumb, but I am still super excited for them and very happy that they’re finally married. I can’t believe they were insane enough to let me be so involved in their wedding.
- My parents bought a new car while I was home, so as is the Bolton tradition we got ice cream. We went to Owow Cow and I mixed orange cream and cinnamon bourbon ice cream to make an old fashioned.
- As part of my best man responsibilities I was tasked with buying Zack’s hair products. In case you were wondering, this is all the stuff that Zack uses to get his hair looking all slick and helmet-y.
- I was supposed to help Zack’s parents and Diana set up for the reception, but I got distracted looking at junk at a consignment store with my parents. By the time I was actually heading over, Diana told me they were finished.
- Zack got stuck in traffic on his way to get me for the rehearsal, then we got stuck in traffic on our way to the rehearsal, so we were about an hour late. Knowing Zack, he was weirdly calm during all this, by which I mean he didn’t go catatonic with stress.
- Zack and I got a hotel room in Bethlehem so we would have a place to get ready and not stress before the wedding. We were originally going to go to The Bookstore, which is a fantastic speakeasy, but the wait was too long so we just got rum and ginger beer to drink in the room. At the liquor store the cashier asked me in a thick, fake irish accent if I knew “Gabriel Princep”and like a fool, I said “no.” I just didn’t have time for whatever bizarre adventure he had planned for us.
- Basically everyone from the bachelor party and the maid of honor’s husband met up in our hotel room to get ready for the wedding and drink. Zack got everyone involved in the wedding knives, so obviously the conversation immediately devolved into a discussion of stabbing people. We’re all great people.
- Because I’m a productive adult, I managed to forget all 3 pairs of cufflinks I packed. Luckily, Diana’s dad loaned me a pair. He tried to give them to me, but my Catholic guilt trumped his Catholic generosity. I did take a water bottle full of his delicious sangria after the wedding though.
- We did photos before the wedding, so there was a lot of downtime that James and I used to write Please and Thank You songs. This led to Jake and I discussing the time in high school he opened for my band Short and Bolton, and I began singing our old classic “[Person I went to high school with] is a goddam motherfucking bitch.” I thought I was singing at a quiet volume, but Zack’s parents overheard and were justifiably scandalized. Strike 1.
- Once we got to the church I snuck some bourbon back into to sacristy to have before the ceremony. Nobody was actually drinking it, so I decided to take a quick nip only for the priest to immediately walk in and lose his shit. He didn’t actually yell, but he kept laughing to himself and muttering “thats bad.” Strike 2.
- The ceremony itself went off without a hitch and was beautiful.
- James and I went to Wawa on our way to the reception and both managed to spill coffee on ourselves because we’re the best best men ever.
- Zack and Diana asked me to emcee the reception and I managed to get through the whole thing without swearing into the microphone, which was impressive.
- As the reception was winding down, we were all sitting around a fire discussing how late it must be. It was 7:30 PM.
- Everything else that happened between the wedding and now is forever lost to the sands of time.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 8/10. I barely drank during the reception, I was too tired.
Healthy Eating: 2/10. I ate so much delicious garbage at that wedding.
True Love: 0/10.