Ray Wise

I didn’t so much forget this post as I didn’t do shit worth writing about. 

Highlights!

  • I got caught up on Fresh Off The Boat and there were several perfect jokes about Ray Wise’s character loving Jingle All The Way. I feel like Ray Wise has cornered the market on the unhinged guy who is just too sweet to be considered a threat role. I’m very excited for him to show up in the Twin Peaks re-boot.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 8/10. My sister Katie made me go to the WABA holiday party and kept shouting “drink!” at me if I didn’t have a beer. 

Healthy Eating: 3/10. I didn’t bake myself a bunch of cookies, plus I had two separate meals. I’d call it a win. 

Sanity: 10/10. I was mostly just sleepy. 

True Love: 0/10. Never!

Steps: 5,718

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A Christmas Together 

Let’s just go ahead and expect these posts in the afternoon now. Save everyone some stress.

Highlights!

  • John Denver and The Muppets: A Christmas Together is up on YouTube. It definitely doesn’t hold up, but that just makes it all the more amazing. The songs are a mix of Christmas standards and weird fucking shit, and the end features an all puppet Nativity Play that is horrific at best. You should all watch it.
  • I actually got to go to trivia with my friends instead of having to work. It’s was pretty fun, but we were overly cautious with our wagering and came in second by 1 point.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 7/10. They had hot cider with bourbon at trivia.

Healthy Eating: 2/10. All I ate were some french fries and two meatball subs.

Sanity: 8/10. I went to REI to look at backpacks, but was too anxious to actually ask anyone for help.

True Love: 0/10. One day I’ll find a girl who wants to talk about obscure Muppet shit.

Steps: 8,336

Hell No We’re Not Going Back to Numbering the Days

Sorry this post is late, but I’m still not fully back in the groove yet. 

Highlights!

  • Instead of attempting to fix my sleep schedule, I stayed up until 3 AM watching Gamorrah. It’s really good, but I spent a lot of the movie going “wait, is this the plot?” which is a compliment.
  • I just realized Christmas is in less than two weeks, so I spent a lot of my night trying to coordinate holiday stuff with friends. Any suggestions on what gifts to get my family would be appreciated. 

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 8/10. Things were slow at Atlas, so I had some sips of beer. 

Sanity: 9/10. I’m feeling pretty ok. 

Healthy Eating: 4/10. All I ate was some leftover tomato soup.

True Love: 0/10. Not today 

Steps: 5,100.

RESURGENCE!

Hey kiddos, sorry for the radio silence, but I haven’t felt much like writing for a bit.

If you are unaware, the secret reason for my original disappearance was that my friends Cal, Marcus, Krysti and I all flew to San Francisco to surprise our friend Phil for Halloween. 

Here we are dressed as the Ninja Turtles before going on a bar crawl.


Honestly, one of the reasons I didn’t post for so long was because I struggled to put into words what an amazing adventure it was and how much I love my friends. 

After over a month off though, I’m back and full of that bile and hatred you all missed, so here we go again!

Highlights

  • I lost my ID somewhere in SF and got to confront my privilege head-on. Not only did airport security accept a photo of my ID that I had on my phone, but I got to skip the entire security line to receive a light pat-down and have my carry-on barely inspected. Once I got back to DC I learned I’d have to actually go to the DMV for my replacement license and my passport is expired, so I’ve been living off the grid since then. It’s been surprisingly easy. 
  • I went to NYC with my sisters Liz and Katie and Brother-in-Law Wes to see Hamilton on November 9th. It was originally going to be a much more joyous trip to the theater, but it was still amazing. It was Christopher Jackson’s last week as George Washington so I spent all of “One Last Time” sobbing. 
  • I’ve been working at Atlas a lot, which has been fun, but it’s definitely switched from “fun way to make money” to “job I take seriously and try to do well.”
  • I spent Thanksgiving with Liz and Wes. Wes was sick and Liz is 8 months pregnant, so we mostly napped. Then we made stuffed chicken breasts and watched Kubo and the Two Strings. 
  • My cousin Danny came to visit DC the weekend after Thanksgiving, so I took him to all the DC breweries. We started at noon, and by 9 PM a switch flipped in me and I was suddenly drunk and ready to go home. On Sunday we got brunch with Liz and I took him to Union Market. I feel bad for not doing more touristy stuff with him, but I don’t wanna do that shit.
  • I haven’t applied for any other jobs, mostly because now I’m just sort of killing time until I move to San Francisco in February.
  • On the suggestion of my friend Dylan, I started watching Terrace House and am in love. It’s like if there was a slow tv reality show. Everyone is just so open and honest and trying to live their lives and be better people. Eventually things start getting dramatic, but it never feels forced or manufactured.
  • Because I mostly work nights now, my sleep schedule is entirely fucked. I’m shocked my roommates still tolerate me. 
  • I dunno if I can maintain my original excitement for West World now that it’s over. It’s a fine show, but I’m sick of my enjoyment being so conditional on future twists. 
  • Out of the blue, my old board chair called me up and offered me a job. I told him no for a myriad of reasons, but he’s persistent. We’ll see what happens. 
  • This Friday, I worked at Atlas until 1 AM, then went home and watched Terrace House until 6 AM because I had a 7:15 AM bus to Philly I was afraid I’d miss if I fell asleep. On my 3 hours of bus sleep, I then played 9 hours of Twilight Imperium with my friends Zack, James and Steve plus Zack’s friends Rob and Zack. I talked a lot of shit leading up to the game, and somehow it didn’t really come back to bite me. I probably should have focused more on growing my band of lupine space nomads early game instead of spreading out and being at a loss late-game, but I put up a good fight. 

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sanity: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Healthy Eating: Nope, I got super fat off garbage. 

True Love: -10/100 I took a couple girls on dates to play pinball, but I usually spent the night playing pinball and ignoring my dates.

Day 137: Secrets

Seriously? Every day?

Highlights!

  • I started the new season of Black Mirror, and really love it so far. Haven’t gotten to Michael Schur’s Infinite Jest inspired episode yet. 
  • I also watched The Nice Guys and absolutely loved it. I was pretty sick of Shane Black, but he did a fantastic job. 
  • I had a vomit scare, probably from being sick and drinking, but I managed to tamp that shit down.
  • I did other stuff besides watch tv, but I can’t talk about it yet.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 2/10. Lots of drinking today. 

Healthy Eating: 1/10. I had some terrible chicken fingers. 

Sanity: 5/10. Very stressed and sleepy. 

True Love: 0/10. 

Steps: 7,827

Day: That Can’t Be Right.

I guess you vultures expect a new one of these every day now!

Highlights!

  • I have the cold I got over last week again, so I spent most of the day watching season 2 of iZombie. I’m worried Rob Thomas is getting too self-referential, but featuring singer Rob Thomas was genius. 
  • I went to Target to hopefully cobble together a Halloween costume, but did a pretty lazy job. I’m gonna be Mr. Peanutbutter in the blandest sense.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 8/10. HOT TODDIES!!!!

Healthy Eating: 5/10. I roasted some chicken with sweet potatoes and onions for dinner. I’m a real good cook.

Sanity: 8/10. 

True Love: 0/10. 

Steps: 10,712.

Wedding Adventure Part 2: The Weddening

I didn’t give a speech at Zack and Diana’s reception because feelings are dumb, but I am still super excited for them and very happy that they’re finally married. I can’t believe they were insane enough to let me be so involved in their wedding.


I only ruined things a little bit.

Highlights!

  • My parents bought a new car while I was home, so as is the Bolton tradition we got ice cream. We went to Owow Cow and I mixed orange cream and cinnamon bourbon ice cream to make an old fashioned.

  • As part of my best man responsibilities I was tasked with buying Zack’s hair products. In case you were wondering, this is all the stuff that Zack uses to get his hair looking all slick and helmet-y.

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  • I was supposed to help Zack’s parents and Diana set up for the reception, but I got distracted looking at junk at a consignment store with my parents. By the time I was actually heading over, Diana told me they were finished.
wedding ahoy!
  • Zack got stuck in traffic on his way to get me for the rehearsal, then we got stuck in traffic on our way to the rehearsal, so we were about an hour late. Knowing Zack, he was weirdly calm during all this, by which I mean he didn’t go catatonic with stress.
  • Zack and I got a hotel room in Bethlehem so we would have a place to get ready and not stress before the wedding. We were originally going to go to The Bookstore, which is a fantastic speakeasy, but the wait was too long so we just got rum and ginger beer to drink in the room. At the liquor store the cashier asked me in a thick, fake irish accent if I knew “Gabriel Princep”and like a fool, I said “no.” I just didn’t have time for whatever bizarre adventure he had planned for us.
  • Basically everyone from the bachelor party and the maid of honor’s husband met up in our hotel room to get ready for the wedding and drink. Zack got everyone involved in the wedding knives, so obviously the conversation immediately devolved into a discussion of stabbing people. We’re all great people.
  • Because I’m a productive adult, I managed to forget all 3 pairs of cufflinks I packed.  Luckily, Diana’s dad loaned me a pair. He tried to give them to me, but my Catholic guilt trumped his Catholic generosity. I did take a water bottle full of his delicious sangria after the wedding though.
  • We did photos before the wedding, so there was a lot of downtime that James and I used to write Please and Thank You songs. This led to Jake and I discussing the time in high school he opened for my band Short and Bolton, and I began singing our old classic “[Person I went to high school with] is a goddam motherfucking bitch.” I thought I was singing at a quiet volume, but Zack’s parents overheard and were justifiably scandalized. Strike 1.
  • Once we got to the church I snuck some bourbon back into to sacristy to have before the ceremony. Nobody was actually drinking it, so I decided to take a quick nip only for the priest to immediately walk in and lose his shit. He didn’t actually yell, but he kept laughing to himself and muttering “thats bad.” Strike 2.

  • The ceremony itself went off without a hitch and was beautiful.
  • James and I went to Wawa on our way to the reception and both managed to spill coffee on ourselves because we’re the best best men ever. 
  • Zack and Diana asked me to emcee the reception and I managed to get through the whole thing without swearing into the microphone, which was impressive.

  • As the reception was winding down, we were all sitting around a fire discussing how late it must be. It was 7:30 PM.
  • Everything else that happened between the wedding and now is forever lost to the sands of time.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 8/10. I barely drank during the reception, I was too tired. 

Healthy Eating: 2/10. I ate so much delicious garbage at that wedding.

Sanity: 10/10

True Love: 0/10.