I didn’t give a speech at Zack and Diana’s reception because feelings are dumb, but I am still super excited for them and very happy that they’re finally married. I can’t believe they were insane enough to let me be so involved in their wedding.
I only ruined things a little bit.
My parents bought a new car while I was home, so as is the Bolton tradition we got ice cream. We went to Owow Cow and I mixed orange cream and cinnamon bourbon ice cream to make an old fashioned.
As part of my best man responsibilities I was tasked with buying Zack’s hair products. In case you were wondering, this is all the stuff that Zack uses to get his hair looking all slick and helmet-y.
I was supposed to help Zack’s parents and Diana set up for the reception, but I got distracted looking at junk at a consignment store with my parents. By the time I was actually heading over, Diana told me they were finished.
Zack got stuck in traffic on his way to get me for the rehearsal, then we got stuck in traffic on our way to the rehearsal, so we were about an hour late. Knowing Zack, he was weirdly calm during all this, by which I mean he didn’t go catatonic with stress.
Zack and I got a hotel room in Bethlehem so we would have a place to get ready and not stress before the wedding. We were originally going to go to The Bookstore, which is a fantastic speakeasy, but the wait was too long so we just got rum and ginger beer to drink in the room. At the liquor store the cashier asked me in a thick, fake irish accent if I knew “Gabriel Princep”and like a fool, I said “no.” I just didn’t have time for whatever bizarre adventure he had planned for us.
Basically everyone from the bachelor party and the maid of honor’s husband met up in our hotel room to get ready for the wedding and drink. Zack got everyone involved in the wedding knives, so obviously the conversation immediately devolved into a discussion of stabbing people. We’re all great people.
Because I’m a productive adult, I managed to forget all 3 pairs of cufflinks I packed. Luckily, Diana’s dad loaned me a pair. He tried to give them to me, but my Catholic guilt trumped his Catholic generosity. I did take a water bottle full of his delicious sangria after the wedding though.
We did photos before the wedding, so there was a lot of downtime that James and I used to write Please and Thank You songs. This led to Jake and I discussing the time in high school he opened for my band Short and Bolton, and I began singing our old classic “[Person I went to high school with] is a goddam motherfucking bitch.” I thought I was singing at a quiet volume, but Zack’s parents overheard and were justifiably scandalized. Strike 1.
Once we got to the church I snuck some bourbon back into to sacristy to have before the ceremony. Nobody was actually drinking it, so I decided to take a quick nip only for the priest to immediately walk in and lose his shit. He didn’t actually yell, but he kept laughing to himself and muttering “thats bad.” Strike 2.
The ceremony itself went off without a hitch and was beautiful.
James and I went to Wawa on our way to the reception and both managed to spill coffee on ourselves because we’re the best best men ever.
Zack and Diana asked me to emcee the reception and I managed to get through the whole thing without swearing into the microphone, which was impressive.
As the reception was winding down, we were all sitting around a fire discussing how late it must be. It was 7:30 PM.
Everything else that happened between the wedding and now is forever lost to the sands of time.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 8/10. I barely drank during the reception, I was too tired.
Healthy Eating: 2/10. I ate so much delicious garbage at that wedding.
I figure instead of trying to summarize a whole week of crazy adventures, I’d split this into two posts: Zack’s bachelor party and the week afterward, then preparing for Zack and Diana’s wedding/the wedding. Enjoy part 1!
For the bachelor party we rented a lake house in the Poconos, which is seriously one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Everyone was pretty sad we had to leave the peaceful tranquility and go back to the real world.
I didn’t factor it in when I was planning the bachelor party, but god damn was just the drive up to the Poconos worth it. A drive through the mountains in the beautiful fall weather looking at the changing leaves while blasting funk music is all I need to relax. Oh, the cabin itself wasn’t too bad either.
One of the first things I did when I got to the cabin was walk through the sliding screen door bending it and knocking it off its tracks. Hopefully the homeowner doesn’t read this blog.
Zack was worried that the group wouldn’t get along and have nothing in common. His fears were assuaged when we almost immediately formed into a circle and started viciously mocking him. Zack has a real knack for picking friends.
Nobody wanted to go to The Pleasure Dome for Zack’s bachelor party. It’s apparently an inflatable dome in a field that is BYOB, so there was full nudity. According to their all-caps, terribly spelled facebook page they are the best club in the state.
I am an old man, and despite not drinking that much, I woke up Saturday with a headache and upset stomach.
Zack’s brother Jake and I went kayaking and we met a bald eagle.
Zack’s buddy Matt handled cooking for Saturday, which was delicious as hell, but didn’t help my stomach because it was now also full of delicious food.
I crashed out pretty early on Saturday and couldn’t really figure out why. Turns out the ibuprofen I bought was actually PM, so I spent the whole day dosing myself.
On Sunday we went to the Tobyhanna State Park to hike, but it slowly devolved into a photo shoot.
James and I accidentally started a new band. Look for our EP soon.
We played The Quiet Year which is an RPG about rebuilding the world after a horrible war and I love it so much. I think what makes the game so special is that despite it being a cooperative game there is absolutely no collaboration. Each person spends their turn doing whatever they want, which usually makes people act selfishly. Our game got crazy and dark pretty fast, but I guess a group could play it and actually work towards a Utopia.
On Monday, I drove back home on a different route and got even MORE beautiful views of foliage.
Our friend Steve was sick at the cabin, and managed to get 4 of us sick, so I spent Monday and Tuesday downing all the cold medicine in the world.
I watched Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein with my parents on Tuesday night. Those movies hold the fuck up. I really love the part at the beginning of Bride of Frankenstein where Mary Shelley herself comes out and goes “No, idiots, the ‘monster’ isn’t the villain of Frankenstein, it was about hubris and ignorance! It’s not hard!”
Zack, James, Steve and I went to see Shin Godzilla in a weird, abandoned building pretending to be a movie theater. I still can’t stop thinking about how good it was. Hideaki Anno does such a good job of putting you in the moment of a government trying to respond to a massive disaster, and it just gets so wonderfully overwhelming. The movie is so deeply cynical, but in the end hopeful and inspiring. I need them to make the sequel they so perfectly set up.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 5/10. I drank a not small amount at the bachelor party, but spent the rest of the week too sick to drink.
Healthy Eating: 8/10. We ate really well at the bachelor party, but then I stopped eating because I was so sick.
True Love: 0/10. Not much good dating app action in the burbs.
I managed to drive from DC to PA completely without incident. I’m kinda sad I don’t have anything wacky to report.
I had to get a stupid haircut for this dumb wedding. Now I look like an almost normal person.
The car rental place gave me a Toyota Camry for my trip to PA, and I hate it so much. It’s just not designed for a person of my size and posture, so I can’t sit comfortably unless my seat is basically on the floor of the back seat. It’s also kinda dirty. Luckily, I’m trading it for a different car next week.
I considered not stopping at Wawa on my way up here, then I only ate half my hoagie. The other half is sitting in the fridge, mocking me. Am I sick?
So apparently the strangers who randomly stumble across my blog really liked my ramblings about Westworld. I should stop doing them before they get popular.
I argued with my dad about unions, which is fun because it’s like arguing with myself, but he’s much better at just saying nonsense to be an asshole.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 10/10. None for me, I’m driving.
Healthy Eating: 1/10. My mom made “Cowboy Food” for dinner. It was delicious.
Sanity: 10/10. Literally never got stressed or angry during my 5 hour drive.
True Love: 0/10. There are a lot of single moms out in the suburbs. That, or there are a bunch of babies on Bumble tryin’ to fuuuuuuck.
Steps: 7,386. Some of those steps were definitely slow-moving traffic.
I’m not doing a full post, mostly because I don’t feel like it and it’s almost noon already. I’m going to be traveling a lot over the next two weeks, so posts may become intermittent or I’ll just do a full recap of “Zack and Diana’s Wedding Adventures” when I’m back. IT DEPENDS ON HOW I FEEL!
I’m already in love with Westworld. I’m intrigued by the framing conflict that is basically “what is the purpose of storytelling?” Westworld itself allows Jeffrey Wright and Anthony Hopkins’ characters to exercise their personal demons while trying to build toward something unheard of, and Ed Harris gets to live out some bizarre personal obsession, but what about the people who just want to have a fun day in the wild west? Should characters exist in a vacuum, or does building a rich, personal history strengthen the story? I also never expected “Ed Harris is a human” to be such a mind-blowing twist.
I also watched Zootopia, which was ok. When the movie first came out, I thought it was genius that Disney was actually embracing the furry community and using them to market the movie, but after seeing it I’m pretty sure everyone at Disney just likes watching anthropomorphic animals fuck.
I feel like I’ve really stepped up the swearing on here recently.
I did more cleaning, and found a lot more stuff to throw away or burn. I also took apart a closet organizer by repeatedly hitting it with a hammer.
I’m really struggling at downsizing my books. I just want to read everything or hold on to it in case I want to read it again. These books will be my grave!
I wore two different colored shoes, and nobody noticed!
It was super cold at Atlas, which is the bs excuse I created to buy an Atlas hoodie. There is no greater feeling than a new hoodie.
My sister Katie, her boyfriend Jon and friend and loyal blog reader Duckie came to Atlas for trivia and won. I’m worried that if my friends keep winning, my manager is going to think I am running some sort of con.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 8/10. I had to sample new beers.
Healthy Eating: 1/10. I had a few bites of Katie’s leftover fish.
I think my sleep schedule is slipping again, that or I’m just still tired and sore from working all weekend and trying to get in shape for my friend Zack’s stupid wedding.
I’m trying to clean out my apartment and start downsizing for my move, but there isn’t as much to throw away as I originally thought. This has kinda been disappointing.
I met up with my sister Katie (Wake and Bake), at Target because we hadn’t hung out in a while, and it’s always good to trade notes on Funemployment. Turns out neither of us really wants to apply for jobs and face rejection, so except both our blogs to keep churning out nonsense for a long time to come.
I bough these sweet fucking nunchucks for $2 at Target.
I finished Jessica Jones and have lots of opinions about rape culture and toxic masculinity. I mean, I had these opinions already, but Jessica Jones was a really good show.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 8/10. Katie forced me to grab a beer with her before her signing lesson.
Healthy Eating: 2/10. Nope
Sanity: 5/10. I’m never sure if my random compulsions to clean are a good sign or a bad sign. Better play it safe in the rating.
True Love: 0/10. I don’t have time to date right now is what I tell myself.
This whole waking up at a reasonable hour, fully rested and ready to meet the day is really weird. I have all this time to do things now!
Friday was my friend Dylan’s son’s 3rd birthday. I bought him a copy of The Best of Ernie with a note asking him not to grow up to be an asshole.
I went to bed at like 10 PM on Friday like some sort of grandpa.
I actually went to the gym on Saturday, but now have a blister on top of my foot.
I was ready to be all “I still haven’t seen Daredevil of Jessica Jones, but I love Luke Cage,” but five minutes into Luke Cage they were referencing direct plotlines from Jessica Jones, so I spent all weekend watching that instead.
The best part of fall is there are actually things I want at the farmer’s market. I was just trying to buy a tomato, and left fully stocked.
I made biscuits on Sunday, now I’m stuck with them.
By the Numbers
Sobriety: 8/10. ‘s fine.
Healthy Eating: 7/10. On Saturday I ate normal food. On Sunday I made biscuits and gravy with potatoes and fried eggs, then nothing else.
True Love: 0/10. I had a date Friday night that was a perfectly pleasant conversation with another human.