Day 39: 20%

Despite all of your clear indifference, I signed up for ninja warrior training anyway.

Thank you to Luke and my sisters Liz and Katie for suggesting I join the gym over buying a home brewing kit. If only I could afford both! *cough* Patreon *cough*


  • I definitely had a Stranger Things inspired dream last night. I was lost while riding my bike, until my bike was suddenly destroyed. Then I was scrambling through the woods to escape something. I even hid in a little shack.
  • I was the only person behind the bar at Atlas for a good chunk of the day and managed to not destroy anything or offend anyone. Yay!
  • A very pleasant couple from Miami were my only customers for bit, so I practiced my banter on them. I showed off my ability to pretend I know or care about sports, and listened with rapt attention as they told me how great the brewery scene is in Miami.

Things got awkward when they went to pay though. I gave them space as they signed the check, but still overheard them loudly argue over how much to tip me. After they settled on a generous tip, they started telling me how they think tipping is optional and if they’re ever in a large group they always complain to the manager to get the automatic gratuity removed out of principle. Let this be a reminder that everyone is the worst.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 8/10. I’ve gotta preserve my liver for the weekend.

Healthy Eating: 5/10. I ate eggs at noonish.

Sanity: 7/10. I signed up for fucking parkour classes.

True Love: 0/10. Shut up.

Steps: 3,167

I dunno, here’s a rainbow

Day 10: The Price Was Finally Right

I’ve been watching a lot of American Ninja Warrior, and I’m sick of hearing these people’s personal stories. Nobody watching cares why a person’s there, they just want to see people crash and fall while doing stunts. Just pick a few interesting people and tell their story.

When everyone gets a turn, you get shit like the woman who does ninja training to help combat her Parkinson’s being followed by a douche who wants to be his college class president.


  • I’ve been bingeing a lot of The Americans recently. In one of the episodes I watched today the characters rattled off about a dozen locations in DC. Maybe I’ll visit all of them for an adventure. Got a better idea for an adventure? Suggest one!
  • My friend James tried to point out a mistake I made in my Day 9 post. He said I mentioned and linked to a photo from Day 8, but the photo was actually from my Weekend Update. Obviously he didn’t get the joke.
  • Judge Judy was on at the gym today. The case revolved around two elderly women throwing cat poop at each other. I feel like it’s time to end this show.
  • Finally had people come by to check out the room in my apartment and I had the longest conversation I’ve ever had with my current roommate. She has lived here for a year.



Price is Right-Cap

This is the episode I have been demanding all funemployment. I turned it on to a woman straight up slaying One Away on her first guess. You might even say she got the right price.

After her, a contestant’s wife coached him to guessing the exact price of the item on Contestants Row, and then an almost perfect round on Cliffhangers. He was only off by $5 between 3 items and guessed the first price exactly.

Finally, a Great Grandma with ice water in her veins strutted up to bitchslap everyone. Not only did she have a perfect round on Stack the Deck, she also spun a dollar on the wheel without even noticing.

The Showcase was between Cliffhangers dude and Great Grandma with GG winning. After she won, her equally adorable husband come waddling out to hug everyone.

Best Moment: After the woman destroyed One Away, she hugged Drew so hard she picked him up off the ground, then sprinted over to her car and started posing on it.

Worst Moment: My friend Dylan was talking mad shit about GG for the whole Showcase. It was sad.

By The Numbers

Sobriety: 7/10. It was a pretty perfect day for a beer.

Healthy Eating: 4/10. I’m only giving myself such a high grade because one of the few things I ate today was grapes.

Sanity: 4/10. I saw two cars engaging in what can only be described as a psychotic battle of road rage and laughed loudly and heartily. I alarmed a couple who were a few dozen yards behind me.

True Love: 0/10. Two ninja warriors who were famous for being a couple broke up, and now I don’t believe in love anymore.