Day 100: What Hath I Wrought?

I had such grand plans for today. To celebrate 100 days of Funemployment I was going to wake up early, be productive and re-live some of everyone’s favorite moments from the blog.

Instead, I overslept and only woke up at 10 AM because my mom kept calling me. I assumed it was an emergency. Turns out she just wanted me to tell her the dates I’m visiting, which I had just told her on Sunday.

Instead of going to the gym or eating breakfast, I sat around until noon. In a last-minute panic to do something blog-related before work, I grabbed a sandwich from A. Litteri, a beer and a coffee, and sat in the arboretum.


CELEBRATION OVER!

Highlights!

  • I won the Atlas football pool. Cha-CHING!
  • My friends came to visit me for trivia at Atlas. They won because of an answer I gave them, which was fun. My team came in third, which is sad for the teams we beat.
  • I watched the first episode of The Good Place, and I guess it’s fine. I would watch Ted Danson read the paper, and I’ve yet to see Kristen Bell in a role where I didn’t love her, but the story itself is “meh” at best. There is  a scene where Ted Danson kicks a dog into the sun though, so it’s probably gonna be great.

Q&A

Thanks to everyone who submitted questions. The vast majority came from loyal reader Nicole who I have never met and have no idea who she is. Does this mean I have a fan? Have I . . . made it?

1) What percentage of posts are true? – Liz.

The easy answer to this is that 100% of the things I post on this blog are true.

I will at times take liberties with how I present situations, but that only serves to make me look worse for comedic effect. Also, I will frequently leave stuff out of the blog either because it was boring, or I forgot I did it.

2) What REALLY happened with donut shop girl? – Nicole

Her name was “Sandwich girl!”

She decided she wanted some time to think about my blog, so I got drunk and texted her a photo of myself with my face painted like a tiger with the caption “This could be us, but you playin’.”

I haven’t heard from her since.

3) Do you ever wonder if your Fitbit inaccurately counts your “steps,” thereby allowing you to falsely bolster your sense of personal fitness and mislead concerned blog readers? – Nicole

I’m concerned about how much of a worthless lump you think  I am if you think I’m INFLATING my step numbers.

I don’t use a Fitbit, I use the step tracker on my iPhone, which means that it only tracks when I’m walking with my iPhone on me. It also probably doesn’t count when I’m biking or those few random times I’m actually working out. Even so, it’s probably an accurate representation of my general worthlessness

4) Is this spiral toward sickly depression destined to continue or will you change your trajectory somewhat over the next 100 days? – Puke McGiggles

Well Puke, I’m still kind of excited to see what my bottom is. Hopefully we can all find out how deep this pit goes together.

5) Is Funemployment really that fun? – Nicole 

Funemployment is what you make of it! I’m definitely having a lot more fun than if I were sitting at a desk in a toxic work environment, but it’s also definitely not the most fun thing.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 8/10.

Healthy Eating: 10/10. I got another sandwich from A. Litteri to eat for dinner, so this was basically the best day ever.

Sanity: 10/10. Yay everyone!

True Love: 2/10. My friend James told me I once ranked my love of a sandwich as 2/10. I don’t remember that, but I can’t really refute it.

Steps: 7,346.

 

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Day 99: Wait, Fuck. Really?

Wow, where DOES the time go?

I just decided I want to do something special for my 100th day of Funemployment, and what better celebration than a little Q&A?


Curious if I have any secret hobbies I don’t mention in the blog? Desperate for more personal details to better flesh out the erotic fantasy life you’ve constructed for the two of us? Now’s your chance to ask!

Leave your questions in the comments and I will post my responses in tomorrow’s Day 100 post.

Highlights!

  • I’m getting weirdly good at Hearthstone. This is bad. 
  • I don’t know what’s happening, but my allergies are freaking the fuck out. I’m in sneezy hell.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 5/10. 

Healthy Eating: 3/10. All I ate today was pasta. 

Sanity: 7/10. It was so rainy and gross today. 

Steps: 587

Weekend Update: I’m Alive

I know you were all worried, but after an extended hiatus I am back and better than ever!

Lucky for all of you, I spent most of that break sleeping and feeling sick, so you didn’t miss much. Still, this week’s Highlights go all the way back to Tuesday.

Highlights!

  • On Tuesday we absolutely kicked ass at trivia. Some weeks the questions just seem to align and we had our bases covered for the most-part. The only trouble was when two of my teammates got into a screaming match over the question “Within 10 years, in what year did Margaret Sanger coin the term ‘birth control.'” Turns out we were actually arguing for the same answer, so it all worked out in the end! [The answer is 1914, we put 1917 –Ed.]
  • I got drinks with Laural at Right Proper on Wednesday where she regaled me with stories of all the adventures she’s had recently. I’m really slacking over here. Maybe suggest an adventure?
  • The Great Muppet Caper is streaming on HBO Go, and is still the most beautiful, perfect movie ever made. Kermit and Fozzie play identical twin brothers, Miss Piggy gets TWO massive song and dance numbers, and Charles Grodin plays a lovable lout who’s also a master jewel thief. What’s not to love? If you haven’t seen this movie, fix your life immediately!
  • Work was super slow all weekend, and I barely went outside.
  • My friend James was in town for the CBC Foundation Gala, so we met up at Boundary Stone on Sunday to watch football and talk shit. I always forget how much I love Boundary Stone.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 5/10. I don’t remember what I drank or when for the whole week, so here’s a nice balanced number.

Healthy Eating: 1/10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What is food?

Sanity: 5/10. Same logic as sobriety.

True Love: 0/10. At some point I apparently changed my Tinder account to say “I’ve seen the fan-made ‘Director’s Cut’ of The Dark Crystal and thought it was a masterpiece. Swipe left if you aren’t on my level.” I’m sure this will go well.

Steps: 0. [I’m not adding up a week’s worth of steps, that’s meaningless.Ed.]

 

Weekend Update: Take A Chance

This weekend a man in a purple steampunk suit with no shirt and a cravat told me about his secret poly family. Somehow this inspired me to take some bold personal chances over the weekend. Let’s see if they pay off.

Highlights!

  • I watched Elvis & Nixon  on Friday and absolutely loved it. Kevin Spacey and Michael Shannon really work to out-crazy each other and in the end we all win. I appreciate that as much as the characters of Elvis and Nixon want to be seen as sympathetic, the movie is clear that they’re both shitty, self-obsessed assholes. Also, the ending stinger of “Elvis died of a drug overdose and those charming Nixon staffers all went to jail post-Watergate” was a perfect way to bring the story to a close.
  • Saturday was Atlas’ 3rd Anniversary party and I can’t be clear enough how much I love working there. After getting my soul crushed at my last job, I still find it weird that even when I’m in a shitty mood I’m super excited to go into work and interact with these insane, wonderful people.
Me long before drinking all the 10% ABV beer
  • In my post-party drunken stupor, I had a dream that I actually remembered. The dream took place at a bar/house/tennis club where I was working. Demons were chasing after my friend Shreya, but they couldn’t find her, so they started coming after me. I teamed up with club handyman George to learn how to kill the demons and defend her/myself, but woke up before things were fully resolved. After discussing the dream with Shreya we’re still about 50/50 on if it’s a prophecy or not.
  • Because of all my drinking I took a lot of LYFTs this weekend. After the party on Saturday, my driver told me to “be safe” on my walk from her car to my front door. On Sunday, my driver and I had a long conversation about tipping, and I almost didn’t tip him before I decided to stop being a shitty person.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 0/10. Atlas released “Rowdier” for their anniversary, which is a 10% ABV version of their “Rowdy” beer. I drank way too many of them.

Healthy Eating: 0/10. All I ate on Saturday was a shit ton of chinese food. I made some pasta on Sunday.

True Love: 1/10. One of my exes followed me on Instagram.

Sanity: 10/10. I’m not gonna dismiss myself as insane anymore. Fuck that shit, I’m living my life and I’m enjoying it.

Steps: 12,625

Day 88: Dinosaur Sr.

As someone who has not only been  to several Decemberists concerts, but who has seen Colin Meloy solo it feels weird saying this, but Dinosaur Jr. is far and away the whitest concert I’ve ever been to. 

It also might be the best. 


Despite being loud as hell, Dinosaur Jr. is such an introspective band that I wasn’t sure what to expect from the crowd. I wasn’t surprised when it turned out to just be a bunch of dudes swaying to the music.  The rare occasions when people cheered for songs they recognized were actually kinda jarring. 

It’s kind of weird/amazing how even the new Dinosaur Jr. songs sound like they’re classic songs from the 90’s, and it helped prevent an awkward “and here’s something from our new record” moment.  There was no stage banter, and J. Mascis is still a guitar god, so the concert was just 90 straight minutes of intense sound. To top things off, they ended the show with “Out There” which was the first Dinosaur Jr. song I remember really loving. 

10/10.  Would see again. 

Highlights!

  • I went to the gym for the first time in forever, and it didn’t go great. I’m more out of shape than I realized. 
  • I went to the grocery store and the cashier was scared and confused when I paid with cash. 
  • I almost got hit by a car on my walk home from the concert because I was still so lost in the music. Also, I was texting.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 7/10. Gotta get a boozy milkshake before going to a show at the 9:30 Club. 

Healthy Eating: 1/10. I know I said I went to the grocery store, but I still barely ate today. 

True Love: ?/10. I told the lady I’ve been seeing about this blog. She told me to get a job and very reasonably requested I stop talking about her on here.

Sanity: 4/10. My brain is so melted by Dinosaur Jr. I can’t really think or function. 

Steps: 11,082

Day 87: 7″ 

I couldn’t sleep, so I was up until about 7:30 AM drinking and subtly editing my letter to Kelsey. I woke up around 11:30 AM to my landlord demanding the rent I forgot to leave for her. 

Highlights!

  • I had a plan to be productive and hit the gym before work, but decided to watch Shark Tank instead. It was for the best anyway, because my manager called me to tell me I didn’t have to come in. Victories all around.
  • My poops are borderline concerning right now. I need more fiber in my diet
  • I watched the pilot for Donald Glover’s Atlanta and am definitely on board. So far it’s funny, weird and compelling, and I’m excited to see where it goes from here.
  • To prepare for the Dinosaur Jr. concert tomorrow I listened to their 7″ demos I got for Record Store Day a few years ago. Shit still holds up, and the art is so wonderfully 90’s. 

  • I was going to finally watch Hitchcock/Truffaut, but it was loading too slow, so I watched Futurama and started catching up on You’re the Worst instead. 

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 3/10. Pass

Healthy Eating: 5/10. I had coffee and greek yogurt for 1:30 PM breakfast and made kielbasa for lunch/dinner.

Sanity: 5/10. I didn’t go outside today, but in my defense it was hot and looked like rain. 

True Love: 0/10. Well it looks like Kelsey and I won’t be having that will they/won’t they relationship you were all clamoring for. 

Steps: 559

Day 86: Beef

Of all the dumb shit I’ve said on this blog, apparently I crossed a line yesterday when I said that Wunder Garten is an ad for REI. Shaken to her core, the PR person for Wunder Garten found it necessary to reach out to me with a correction.

Hello,

I saw your comment regarding Wunder Garten. We’re really sorry you feel that way! We partner with REI while they are waiting to move into their space and hosting some very cool events for the hardcore outdoor types. We are not actually the same entity as them, but a locally owned and operated beer garden and recipient of a NoMa community award. Later this month REI will no longer be in the Wunder Garten space, as their permanent location will be opening, and Wunder Garten will be back to little old us. Hopefully you will revisit!

Thanks,
Kelsey

Here’s my response, which I’m not going to bother to send, but will post for loyal blog reader Kelsey:

Kelsey,

Is this really the best use of your time?  Wunder Garten’s address is wrong on Google and Yelp, your website landing page is unreadable white text over an image that you poorly jury-rigged to make it read well on mobile without bothering to make it look presentable on a desktop, and despite being in your second year of operation you still don’t make the first page of search results for “beer garden dc.” Instead of addressing any of these issues you’re sitting here sending messages to random idiots assuring them that you’re more than a corporate shill.

Also, it’s not exactly clear why Wunder Garten can’t be both an independent business and an ad for REI. Do you think it’s just a random coincidence that REI is paying you to slather yourselves in their branding and host “very cool events for the hardcore outdoor types” just two blocks from their soon to open DC flagship store?

Honestly, being an ad for REI makes you guys look better. As an ad, you’re kitschy community outreach that not only ingratiates REI with the neighborhood, but helps them to better connect with their target demographic of “millennials with excess time and money.” As an independent business, you’re a trailer in a parking lot serving overpriced beer.

Best of luck with your continued employment at REI.

Love,
Michael

Not Wunder Garten’s correct address and not a photo of their current space

Highlights!

  • I went to bed at a reasonable hour and still slept until almost 1 PM. I probably would have slept even later, but then I remembered I had to be at work at 3:30 PM. I was late.
  • Apparently people don’t like to go out drinking the night after a long weekend. There were only 2 teams playing trivia at Atlas tonight, but I kicked BOTH their asses. Suck it couple on a date and one of our investors and his buddy!
  • OK back to Kelsey real quick: I have repeatedly mentioned Atlas, a place that employs me, in a way that I’m sure they don’t 100% approve of and have never heard a single word from them about it. What kinda Google Alerts do you have set up, Kelsey?

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 8/10.

Healthy Eating: 6/10. I ate the thai food I didn’t have for dinner for lunch, and had a chicken caesar salad for dinner. That is a pretty good day.

Sanity: 9/10. Fueled by rage, I’ve somehow managed to become even MORE sane!

True Love: 2/10. Why are there a bunch of random bobby pins strewn about my apartment?

Steps: 4,947