A Christmas Together 

Let’s just go ahead and expect these posts in the afternoon now. Save everyone some stress.

Highlights!

  • John Denver and The Muppets: A Christmas Together is up on YouTube. It definitely doesn’t hold up, but that just makes it all the more amazing. The songs are a mix of Christmas standards and weird fucking shit, and the end features an all puppet Nativity Play that is horrific at best. You should all watch it.
  • I actually got to go to trivia with my friends instead of having to work. It’s was pretty fun, but we were overly cautious with our wagering and came in second by 1 point.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 7/10. They had hot cider with bourbon at trivia.

Healthy Eating: 2/10. All I ate were some french fries and two meatball subs.

Sanity: 8/10. I went to REI to look at backpacks, but was too anxious to actually ask anyone for help.

True Love: 0/10. One day I’ll find a girl who wants to talk about obscure Muppet shit.

Steps: 8,336

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Day 116: Road Trip Again!!!

I managed to drive from DC to PA completely without incident. I’m kinda sad I don’t have anything wacky to report.

Highlights!

  • I had to get a stupid haircut for this dumb wedding. Now I look like an almost normal person.

  • The car rental place gave me a Toyota Camry for my trip to PA, and I hate it so much. It’s just not designed for a person of my size and posture, so I can’t sit comfortably unless my seat is basically on the floor of the back seat. It’s also kinda dirty. Luckily, I’m trading it for a different car next week.
  • I considered not stopping at Wawa on my way up here, then I only ate half my hoagie. The other half is sitting in the fridge, mocking me. Am I sick?
  • So apparently the strangers who randomly stumble across my blog really liked my ramblings about Westworld. I should stop doing them before they get popular.
  • I argued with my dad about unions, which is fun because it’s like arguing with myself, but he’s much better at just saying nonsense to be an asshole.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 10/10. None for me, I’m driving. 

Healthy Eating: 1/10. My mom made “Cowboy Food” for dinner. It was delicious.

Sanity: 10/10. Literally never got stressed or angry during my 5 hour drive. 

True Love: 0/10. There are a lot of single moms out in the suburbs. That, or there are a bunch of babies on Bumble tryin’ to fuuuuuuck.

Steps: 7,386. Some of those steps were definitely slow-moving traffic. 

Day 113: Deadly Weapons

I think my sleep schedule is slipping again, that or I’m just still tired and sore from working all weekend and trying to get in shape for my friend Zack’s stupid wedding.

Highlights!

  • I’m trying to clean out my apartment and start downsizing for my move, but there isn’t as much to throw away as I originally thought. This has kinda been disappointing.
  • I met up with my sister Katie (Wake and Bake), at Target because we hadn’t hung out in a while, and it’s always good to trade notes on Funemployment. Turns out neither of us really wants to apply for jobs and face rejection, so except both our blogs to keep churning out nonsense for a long time to come.
  • I bough these sweet fucking nunchucks for $2 at Target.

  • I finished Jessica Jones and have lots of opinions about rape culture and toxic masculinity. I mean, I had these opinions already, but Jessica Jones was a really good show.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 8/10. Katie forced me to grab a beer with her before her signing lesson.

Healthy Eating: 2/10. Nope

Sanity: 5/10. I’m never sure if my random compulsions to clean are a good sign or a bad sign. Better play it safe in the rating.

True Love: 0/10. I don’t have time to date right now is what I tell myself.

Steps: 4,305.

Day 108: Back to Normal

I think I fixed my sleep schedule. All it took was several days of drinking and travel to knock me out for 13 hours.

Highlights!

  • At Atlas, an old man kept telling me “you’re doing a great job, young man!” every time I brought him a beer. Later in the night he started exhibiting signs of dementia.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 5/10. I only had a taster of beer at work, but I’m pretty sure my blood is still full of alcohol.

Healthy Eating: -10/10. I ate the rest of the Boo Berry.

Sanity: 10/10.

True Love: 0/10

Steps: 2,512

 

Days 106 & 107: Road Trip!!!!!!

My friend Phil was in NYC for a wedding, and what started as me joking about taking a bus up on Monday to grab drinks with him and our friend Krysti slowly snowballed into me booking an 11 AM bus that got me into NYC at 4 PM with a return ticket for 5 AM on Tuesday.

Highlights!

  • When I got on the bus to NYC I passed a dude who was sprawled out over the entire seat, sultrily sipping from a juice box. He is my new hero.
  • For the first time ever, a small child sat next to me on the bus. He spent the vast majority of the ride singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” and I only almost strangled him to death once, which is pretty impressive for me.
  • I originally planned to meet my friend Luke for a separate round of drinks at Peculiar Pub as we wanted to hit up one of our old college haunts, but on my way there I passed Blind Tiger, which is a much better bar that I sincerely forgot existed. It was a good call, because I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle drinking surrounded by a bunch of NYU students.
Blind Tiger also has a fancier beer selection.
  • Because Luke and I are pretty good at sitting around talking shit, I was super late to meet Phil at the first stop in their happy hour. By the time I got there everyone was leaving to go watch the debates. I’ve made it a point not to engage in politics much during this election, because at this point reasonable discourse has long been destroyed by dog whistles, but I figured a room of NYU grads would agree with all the things I angrily shouted at the TV. Things were going fine until Trump started bragging about how much Netanyahu loves him, and I screamed “fuck Netanyahu!” The room was awkwardly silent for a second.
  • After the debate we met up with our friend Krysti at McSorley’s which is a great bar when it’s empty or if your friend has spent years building close personal relationships with the entire staff like Krysti has.

  • McSorley’s closes at 1 AM and we still had 3 hours of raging ahead of us, so we went around the corner to The Copper Still, which is owned by one of the bartenders from McSorley’s and doesn’t close until 4 AM – like a bar should. While we were there, one of Phil’s friends realized she lost her phone, and that set off a series of misadventures that ended with Phil running off alone to meet the guy who found her phone up on 14th street – still unclear how the phone got so far away – despite him being super drunk and his phone being dead. I was about to go searching for him when he stumbled back in with the phone as if nothing happened.
  • I got to my bus at 4:30 AM, scarfed down the everything bagel I bought from a deli and immediately passed out. I’m sure I did something embarrassing, but not enough to make any of my fellow passengers yell at me.
  • I probably would have spent all of Tuesday in bed, but Boundary Stone was hosting Battle of the Barrel Aged Beers III and I couldn’t miss that! After my first tasting I started sweating, which was probably a bad sign. I got back home around 8 PM and immediately passed the fuck out.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: -10/10. See Above

Healthy Eating: 0/10. I had a burger at McSorley’s and half a chicken sandwich at Boundary Stone.

Sanity: 5/10. No reasonable person would spend 2 days doing this to themselves.

True Love: 0/10. I spent a lot of Monday drunk texting the girl I went out with on Saturday, and accidentally invited her to Boundary Stone on Tuesday. She lived up to her description of being a better version of my ex when she ended the date by telling me she really didn’t have time for me and my nonsense, and we probably shouldn’t hang out again.

Steps: 19,334

Day 100: What Hath I Wrought?

I had such grand plans for today. To celebrate 100 days of Funemployment I was going to wake up early, be productive and re-live some of everyone’s favorite moments from the blog.

Instead, I overslept and only woke up at 10 AM because my mom kept calling me. I assumed it was an emergency. Turns out she just wanted me to tell her the dates I’m visiting, which I had just told her on Sunday.

Instead of going to the gym or eating breakfast, I sat around until noon. In a last-minute panic to do something blog-related before work, I grabbed a sandwich from A. Litteri, a beer and a coffee, and sat in the arboretum.


CELEBRATION OVER!

Highlights!

  • I won the Atlas football pool. Cha-CHING!
  • My friends came to visit me for trivia at Atlas. They won because of an answer I gave them, which was fun. My team came in third, which is sad for the teams we beat.
  • I watched the first episode of The Good Place, and I guess it’s fine. I would watch Ted Danson read the paper, and I’ve yet to see Kristen Bell in a role where I didn’t love her, but the story itself is “meh” at best. There is  a scene where Ted Danson kicks a dog into the sun though, so it’s probably gonna be great.

Q&A

Thanks to everyone who submitted questions. The vast majority came from loyal reader Nicole who I have never met and have no idea who she is. Does this mean I have a fan? Have I . . . made it?

1) What percentage of posts are true? – Liz.

The easy answer to this is that 100% of the things I post on this blog are true.

I will at times take liberties with how I present situations, but that only serves to make me look worse for comedic effect. Also, I will frequently leave stuff out of the blog either because it was boring, or I forgot I did it.

2) What REALLY happened with donut shop girl? – Nicole

Her name was “Sandwich girl!”

She decided she wanted some time to think about my blog, so I got drunk and texted her a photo of myself with my face painted like a tiger with the caption “This could be us, but you playin’.”

I haven’t heard from her since.

3) Do you ever wonder if your Fitbit inaccurately counts your “steps,” thereby allowing you to falsely bolster your sense of personal fitness and mislead concerned blog readers? – Nicole

I’m concerned about how much of a worthless lump you think  I am if you think I’m INFLATING my step numbers.

I don’t use a Fitbit, I use the step tracker on my iPhone, which means that it only tracks when I’m walking with my iPhone on me. It also probably doesn’t count when I’m biking or those few random times I’m actually working out. Even so, it’s probably an accurate representation of my general worthlessness

4) Is this spiral toward sickly depression destined to continue or will you change your trajectory somewhat over the next 100 days? – Puke McGiggles

Well Puke, I’m still kind of excited to see what my bottom is. Hopefully we can all find out how deep this pit goes together.

5) Is Funemployment really that fun? – Nicole 

Funemployment is what you make of it! I’m definitely having a lot more fun than if I were sitting at a desk in a toxic work environment, but it’s also definitely not the most fun thing.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 8/10.

Healthy Eating: 10/10. I got another sandwich from A. Litteri to eat for dinner, so this was basically the best day ever.

Sanity: 10/10. Yay everyone!

True Love: 2/10. My friend James told me I once ranked my love of a sandwich as 2/10. I don’t remember that, but I can’t really refute it.

Steps: 7,346.

 

Day 99: Wait, Fuck. Really?

Wow, where DOES the time go?

I just decided I want to do something special for my 100th day of Funemployment, and what better celebration than a little Q&A?


Curious if I have any secret hobbies I don’t mention in the blog? Desperate for more personal details to better flesh out the erotic fantasy life you’ve constructed for the two of us? Now’s your chance to ask!

Leave your questions in the comments and I will post my responses in tomorrow’s Day 100 post.

Highlights!

  • I’m getting weirdly good at Hearthstone. This is bad. 
  • I don’t know what’s happening, but my allergies are freaking the fuck out. I’m in sneezy hell.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 5/10. 

Healthy Eating: 3/10. All I ate today was pasta. 

Sanity: 7/10. It was so rainy and gross today. 

Steps: 587