A Christmas Together 

Let’s just go ahead and expect these posts in the afternoon now. Save everyone some stress.

Highlights!

  • John Denver and The Muppets: A Christmas Together is up on YouTube. It definitely doesn’t hold up, but that just makes it all the more amazing. The songs are a mix of Christmas standards and weird fucking shit, and the end features an all puppet Nativity Play that is horrific at best. You should all watch it.
  • I actually got to go to trivia with my friends instead of having to work. It’s was pretty fun, but we were overly cautious with our wagering and came in second by 1 point.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 7/10. They had hot cider with bourbon at trivia.

Healthy Eating: 2/10. All I ate were some french fries and two meatball subs.

Sanity: 8/10. I went to REI to look at backpacks, but was too anxious to actually ask anyone for help.

True Love: 0/10. One day I’ll find a girl who wants to talk about obscure Muppet shit.

Steps: 8,336

Weekend Update: I’m Alive

I know you were all worried, but after an extended hiatus I am back and better than ever!

Lucky for all of you, I spent most of that break sleeping and feeling sick, so you didn’t miss much. Still, this week’s Highlights go all the way back to Tuesday.

Highlights!

  • On Tuesday we absolutely kicked ass at trivia. Some weeks the questions just seem to align and we had our bases covered for the most-part. The only trouble was when two of my teammates got into a screaming match over the question “Within 10 years, in what year did Margaret Sanger coin the term ‘birth control.'” Turns out we were actually arguing for the same answer, so it all worked out in the end! [The answer is 1914, we put 1917 –Ed.]
  • I got drinks with Laural at Right Proper on Wednesday where she regaled me with stories of all the adventures she’s had recently. I’m really slacking over here. Maybe suggest an adventure?
  • The Great Muppet Caper is streaming on HBO Go, and is still the most beautiful, perfect movie ever made. Kermit and Fozzie play identical twin brothers, Miss Piggy gets TWO massive song and dance numbers, and Charles Grodin plays a lovable lout who’s also a master jewel thief. What’s not to love? If you haven’t seen this movie, fix your life immediately!
  • Work was super slow all weekend, and I barely went outside.
  • My friend James was in town for the CBC Foundation Gala, so we met up at Boundary Stone on Sunday to watch football and talk shit. I always forget how much I love Boundary Stone.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 5/10. I don’t remember what I drank or when for the whole week, so here’s a nice balanced number.

Healthy Eating: 1/10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What is food?

Sanity: 5/10. Same logic as sobriety.

True Love: 0/10. At some point I apparently changed my Tinder account to say “I’ve seen the fan-made ‘Director’s Cut’ of The Dark Crystal and thought it was a masterpiece. Swipe left if you aren’t on my level.” I’m sure this will go well.

Steps: 0. [I’m not adding up a week’s worth of steps, that’s meaningless.Ed.]

 

Day 72: Lazy as Fuck

Despite waking up at a reasonable hour yesterday, I couldn’t fall asleep last night. At about 2 AM I started making a meatball sub. I forgot to take a photo. 

Highlights!

  • I seriously did nothing most of the day. I didn’t even get dressed until 5 PM. 
  • We came in 3rd for trivia at Atlas. I may have made fun of customers for not knowing who Charles Guiteau or Leon Czolgosz were. 

  • I might have an extra ticket for Dinosaur Jr on September 8th. Maybe I’ll try another essay contest to give it away. 

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 7/10. Heyyyyyyyyyyy

Healthy Eating: 5/10. This might be the most I’ve eaten in a day all funemployment. 

Sanity: 8/10. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

True Love: -10/10. The girl who tried to crash my date last week randomly started texting me. It was a bad experience that made everyone feel worse afterward. 

Steps: 4,905.

Weekend Update: Nice

I received some unsolicited reviews over the weekend. This blog is:

  • “Well-written, but weird”
  • “Hilarious because you’re so honest. You’re not afraid to write ‘I spent all day in my underwear and ate a peach.'”

Leave your unsolicited reviews in the comments!

Highlights!

  • Yet again I thought it would be smart to run in 90 + degree heat because I’m too lazy to go to the gym I pay for.
  • I found a new show, The Lucas Bros. Moving Co. Unfortunately, then I ate that weird shit up over two days. Well, onto the next show.
  • I found a needle in my jorts if anyone doubted how punk rock they were.
  • The Bohinkas reunited sans Blake Bortles to resume our dominance of trivia at Politics and Prose. It was their four year anniversary, and while it would have been nice to celebrate four years of being the supreme nerds, we couldn’t pull off a win and had to settle for third or fourth place. It was unclear which.
  • Saturday was blog #1 fan Rachel Cannon’s birthday, and she is getting ready to move, so she had people over to drink modestly priced wine. The consummate host, she even had Michael FUCKING Bolton monogrammed cups especially for me.

  • I spent most of Sunday cursing about how worthless I am, but it ended with me finishing my first cover letter of funemployment. Yay me!
  • After such a busy weekend, I earned the 5 hour nap I took on Sunday. I probably would have just gone to bed if I didn’t have to write this damn post.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 6/10. I had some social cocktails.

Healthy Eating: 2/10. My sister Liz told me she was worried I’m not eating. If it puts her at ease this weekend I had lots of chicken parm and ice cream sandwiches.

Sanity: 8/10. Whatevs

True Love: 0/10. No updates.

Steps: 15,256

 

Day 58: Uneventful 

I really don’t enjoy these days where I wake up super sore. 

On the plus side I have some fun new bruises!

Highlights!

  • I stayed up way too late watching Steven Universe. 
  • My coworker called out, so it was just me and my manager working tonight. Not only did we almost win trivia, but she gave me all the tips and a six-pack at the end of my shift. I love my job.
  • I know I stopped doing “Trivia Tuesday” after one week, but this question was just so good that I want to share it with everyone:

What director is the only person to win an Oscar, a Tony and an Emmy in the same year?

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 9/10. Just some sips at work. 

Healthy Eating: 0/10. I’m pretty sure I forgot to eat. 

Sanity: 5/10. I’m pretty unmotivated right now. 

True Love: 0/10. I’ve spent too long pre-complaining about the date I’m not having tonight. On to future failures. 

Steps: 4,441

Day 51: How To Brew

I still want to buy a brew kit and start home brewing, so I’ve set a few rules for myself:

  1. I’m not allowed to buy the brew kit until I finish the first section of the book How to Brew.
  2. I’m not actually allowed to start brewing until I finish the full book.


I’ve had this book for a while – ever since I rescued it from an ex-girlfriend who wanted to throw it out – so it’s about damn time I actually read it.

Highlights!

  • I biked down to the Botanical Gardens to see the Corpse Flower during peak bloom, but then I saw the line and realized it wasn’t worth waiting just to see a stinky flower. It was still a pretty nice bike ride though, so ya know, bright side.
  • After far too long, I got to almost fully re-unite with my trivia team. Apparently we needed the break, because all our cynicism was gone and we were actually having fun. There was also a new host who could actually read, so that was refreshing. All that positivity propelled us to absolutely dominating and winning by a solid 30 points.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 7/10. Obviously I was gonna have a few drinks at trivia.

Healthy Eating: 3/10. All I ate were a peach and 3 muffins. A solid garbage day.

Sanity: 8/10. It was a pretty good day.

True Love: 0/10. That date definitely isn’t happening.

Steps: 4,735

Day 23: Racing Toward Death

So I just realized I spend most of my time at Atlas staring at a cemetery. 


What’s weirder is that I had the thought “it looks so empty.”

Highlights!

  • I got a solid 10 minutes of enjoying the Hillary announcement before a friend started telling me that the FBI were clearly cowtowing to the Goliath of Clinton’s corruption. While he refused to agree that facts not conforming to his personal opinion wasn’t an indication of a conspiracy he did agree to seek therapy to deal with his misplaced anger. So I win I guess?
  • I spent most of the day reading at the Arboretum again. I hate that place so much!

  • I also picked up a “korrito” at Seoul Spice in NoMa. It was pretty delicious. 
  • My coworkers and I came in second at trivia. Unfortunately we weren’t allowed to claim the growler we won.

Price is Right-Cap

The first half of Price is Right was pre-empted by FBI Director James Comey announcing he recommends no charges be filed against Hillary Clinton. Of course much like Benghazi the facts won’t stop the dogwhistles. 

Price is Right resumed with a woman getting $1 on the wheel, so it was a good day for women. 

Best Moment: Drew said it was a perfect game, BUT I WOULDN’T KNOW.

Worst Moment: There was a commercial where Shauna Malwae-Tweep had diarrhea.

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 9/10. Whatever. 

Healthy Eating: 7/10. I ate Dominos Pizza for the first time in like 10 years. Still not great. 

Sanity: 6/10. I’m pretty sure everyone hates me. 

True Love: 0/10. True Love continues to evade me.