Days 106 & 107: Road Trip!!!!!!

My friend Phil was in NYC for a wedding, and what started as me joking about taking a bus up on Monday to grab drinks with him and our friend Krysti slowly snowballed into me booking an 11 AM bus that got me into NYC at 4 PM with a return ticket for 5 AM on Tuesday.


  • When I got on the bus to NYC I passed a dude who was sprawled out over the entire seat, sultrily sipping from a juice box. He is my new hero.
  • For the first time ever, a small child sat next to me on the bus. He spent the vast majority of the ride singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” and I only almost strangled him to death once, which is pretty impressive for me.
  • I originally planned to meet my friend Luke for a separate round of drinks at Peculiar Pub as we wanted to hit up one of our old college haunts, but on my way there I passed Blind Tiger, which is a much better bar that I sincerely forgot existed. It was a good call, because I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle drinking surrounded by a bunch of NYU students.
Blind Tiger also has a fancier beer selection.
  • Because Luke and I are pretty good at sitting around talking shit, I was super late to meet Phil at the first stop in their happy hour. By the time I got there everyone was leaving to go watch the debates. I’ve made it a point not to engage in politics much during this election, because at this point reasonable discourse has long been destroyed by dog whistles, but I figured a room of NYU grads would agree with all the things I angrily shouted at the TV. Things were going fine until Trump started bragging about how much Netanyahu loves him, and I screamed “fuck Netanyahu!” The room was awkwardly silent for a second.
  • After the debate we met up with our friend Krysti at McSorley’s which is a great bar when it’s empty or if your friend has spent years building close personal relationships with the entire staff like Krysti has.

  • McSorley’s closes at 1 AM and we still had 3 hours of raging ahead of us, so we went around the corner to The Copper Still, which is owned by one of the bartenders from McSorley’s and doesn’t close until 4 AM – like a bar should. While we were there, one of Phil’s friends realized she lost her phone, and that set off a series of misadventures that ended with Phil running off alone to meet the guy who found her phone up on 14th street – still unclear how the phone got so far away – despite him being super drunk and his phone being dead. I was about to go searching for him when he stumbled back in with the phone as if nothing happened.
  • I got to my bus at 4:30 AM, scarfed down the everything bagel I bought from a deli and immediately passed out. I’m sure I did something embarrassing, but not enough to make any of my fellow passengers yell at me.
  • I probably would have spent all of Tuesday in bed, but Boundary Stone was hosting Battle of the Barrel Aged Beers III and I couldn’t miss that! After my first tasting I started sweating, which was probably a bad sign. I got back home around 8 PM and immediately passed the fuck out.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: -10/10. See Above

Healthy Eating: 0/10. I had a burger at McSorley’s and half a chicken sandwich at Boundary Stone.

Sanity: 5/10. No reasonable person would spend 2 days doing this to themselves.

True Love: 0/10. I spent a lot of Monday drunk texting the girl I went out with on Saturday, and accidentally invited her to Boundary Stone on Tuesday. She lived up to her description of being a better version of my ex when she ended the date by telling me she really didn’t have time for me and my nonsense, and we probably shouldn’t hang out again.

Steps: 19,334


Weekend Update: I’m Alive

I know you were all worried, but after an extended hiatus I am back and better than ever!

Lucky for all of you, I spent most of that break sleeping and feeling sick, so you didn’t miss much. Still, this week’s Highlights go all the way back to Tuesday.


  • On Tuesday we absolutely kicked ass at trivia. Some weeks the questions just seem to align and we had our bases covered for the most-part. The only trouble was when two of my teammates got into a screaming match over the question “Within 10 years, in what year did Margaret Sanger coin the term ‘birth control.'” Turns out we were actually arguing for the same answer, so it all worked out in the end! [The answer is 1914, we put 1917 –Ed.]
  • I got drinks with Laural at Right Proper on Wednesday where she regaled me with stories of all the adventures she’s had recently. I’m really slacking over here. Maybe suggest an adventure?
  • The Great Muppet Caper is streaming on HBO Go, and is still the most beautiful, perfect movie ever made. Kermit and Fozzie play identical twin brothers, Miss Piggy gets TWO massive song and dance numbers, and Charles Grodin plays a lovable lout who’s also a master jewel thief. What’s not to love? If you haven’t seen this movie, fix your life immediately!
  • Work was super slow all weekend, and I barely went outside.
  • My friend James was in town for the CBC Foundation Gala, so we met up at Boundary Stone on Sunday to watch football and talk shit. I always forget how much I love Boundary Stone.

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 5/10. I don’t remember what I drank or when for the whole week, so here’s a nice balanced number.

Healthy Eating: 1/10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What is food?

Sanity: 5/10. Same logic as sobriety.

True Love: 0/10. At some point I apparently changed my Tinder account to say “I’ve seen the fan-made ‘Director’s Cut’ of The Dark Crystal and thought it was a masterpiece. Swipe left if you aren’t on my level.” I’m sure this will go well.

Steps: 0. [I’m not adding up a week’s worth of steps, that’s meaningless.Ed.]


Day 30: Wish it Would Never End

Well, my vacation is officially over. I had to return my mobile fortress, and now I’m back to getting around on this piece of shit. 

Stupid bike, doesn’t even have a back-up camera. 


  • I met up with my friend Jenn for coffee. She is just ending her own period of funemployment and gave me a few tips. Apparently I will hit a point where I begin re-evaluating every single human interaction I’ve ever had, so get ready for those posts!
  • I’m starting to think Megabus is just a bunch of independent contractors who make up their own rules. My driver back to DC delayed the bus by a solid 15 minutes because he felt the need to shriek at individual passengers for sitting in empty “reserved” seats. He then yelled his bizarre personal rules at both levels of the bus separately, despite his intercom working perfectly. 
  • I didn’t have to bartend, so I got to play trivia with my friends. The host we thought we successfully drove away with our combined hate was back and the crowd was less than welcoming. We got second, so it doesn’t really matter.

Price is Right-cap

Still didn’t watch it. This might have been the best part of my vacation. 

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 4/10. For some reason the servers at trivia always ignore me, but this week they were very responsive. 

Healthy Eating : 2/10. I only ate wawa things today. That’s healthy, right?

Sanity : 5/10. Fuck Megabus, BURN THE RICH. 

True Love: 1/10. I got something in the works and don’t want to jinx it. 

Steps: 9,012

Vacation Hoagies: 5 plus 1 I’m saving for later. 

Day 29: Had to Get Away!

Since this blog is ostensibly about me not having a job I thought it’d be fun to take a tour of all the jobs I quit while in high school.

Dairy Queen 

I literally forgot I had this job until a second before posting, so I don’t have a photo. 

It was a horrible job that made me hate food and ice cream. Luckily I broke my arm playing rugby and had to quit after a few weeks. 


My first real job was as a cashier at K-Mart. It was generally terrible, but since nobody shopped at K-Mart I had time to read for school. 

I was working there during the height of the “War on Christmas” and one day an old man came in and asked if I could say “Merry Christmas.” When I said “no,” he got in my face and shouted “well I say ‘Merry Christmas!'” so I slammed my hands on my counter and shouted back “well I don’t CELEBRATE Christmas!” He stormed out of the store and I got all of Hannukah off.

I finally quit when I got in trouble for not forcing enough predatory credit cards on customers. And by “quit” I mean “found a new job and stopped showing up.”

12 years later all I can is “check and mate, bitches!”


My next job was literally 100 yards away cashiering at Kohl’s. 

It was fun at first because I was working with my friend Alex. Also, I took my breaks outside instead of  in the breakroom, so the manager who was a heavy smoker thought I smoked too and was always super chill to me. 

Eventually, that manager got fired for the ultimate crime of looking for other jobs, and the GM found it necessary to launch a vendetta against all the teens who were “loyal” to her. I held out for a while, but finally quit when I caught two managers literally spying on me during a break.

Liberty Tax Services 

My friend Alex – who also quit Kohl’s – and I then found jobs dressing as the Statue of Liberty and waving signs on the side of the highway for Liberty Tax Services. 

We had such grand plans for that job, but it was the middle of winter and they were upset we didn’t take the job seriously. 

After I quit, they tried to keep my final paycheck and I had to fight to finally get it. Years later Liberty was outed as a scam, but is somehow still in business. 

Starbucks in Target 

I originally applied to Target to help them open their Quakertown store, but they refused to hire me because I’d be going to college in six months. 

A few months later they were so desperate for people that they basically hired me without an interview. Two weeks later I was running that Starbucks. 

When I left for college they assured me they’d keep me on the schedule, but when I called over Thanksgiving they said I’d have to re-apply. Obviously my response was to tell them to go fuck themselves.


  • Big ups to Pokemon Go for making people less concerned by me pulling up to random locations, taking photos and driving away. I guess also big ups to being white? Ugh, fuck the world. 
  • My mom and I spent the majority of the day sitting in our backyard reading. Finally, some time to relax!
  • My cousins Danny and Patrick, Pat’s girlfriend Sam, Danny’s friend Kevin and I went to the Allentown Brew Works for drinks. Fegley’s Brew Works was one of the few craft breweries nearby when I was in college and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
  • The couple at the booth next to us were super drunk and making out. They were going at it so hard that when they left the dude forgot his jacket and credit card. They were back about ten minutes later to get them, which just made us feel bad for the woman.

Match Game-cap

Pete Wentz was on the newest episode of Match Game and he was an absolute delight. At one point he got so excited that he accidentally revealed that a contestant won the $25,000 Super Match early.

Also, I am apparently full of Pete Wentz knowledge. Aside from knowing him as the former Mr. Ashlee Simpson, I remembered that in college his club Angels & Kings was known for not carding, but also for getting raided by the police. I never went. 

Best Moment: Tituss Burgess appropriately shamed the judges into accepting “Pinot Noir” as a match for “Jay-Z’s penis.”

Worst Moment: Alec Baldwin pretended he knew or cared who Bobby Moynihan is. 

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 4/10. I may or may not still drink this bottle of Fegley’s Insidious Imperial Stout I bought to age.

Healthy Eating: 4/10. So much delicious garbage. 

Sanity: 8/10. We’re all ok. 

True Love: 0/10. My phone died before I convinced a girl from Tinder to meet up with us. 

Steps: 4,366

Vacation Hoagies: 4. Today was a good day. 

Weekend Update: All I Ever Wanted!

Ugh, so much adventure. I need a vacation from this vacation!


  • Spent Saturday hitting up more thrift stores and farmer’s markets with my parents. 
  • I found the greatest button ever at the Allentown Farmer’s Market and my mom expressly forbid me from buying it. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I GROW UP AND MOVE OUT.

  • My parents and I made “wine slushies” on Saturday night. They’re white wine blended with frozen apple cider. Us Boltons party hard. 
  • My dad and I watched Head of the Family together. It was a beautiful bonding moment if you ignore all the sex and violence in that movie.
  • I spent Sunday with my former TalkJams co-hosts Zack and James playing games and making fun of Zack. Video games are stupid and I hate them. I also hate Zack and James.
  • We got lunch/dinner at a hibachi restaurant that was almost entirely empty. Hibachi is much less fun when it’s just three awkward dudes playing Pokemon Go. It didn’t occur to us until we were leaving that one of the employees was controlling the two nearby gyms. That, or a dude named “Koimonger” was coincidentally spending a lot of time near a restaurant with a koi pond. 
  • After lunch we saw a dude wearing jean shorts, knee socks and a fanny pack and listening to a discman with old school wraparound headphones walk into a local game shop. We immediately began to weave a rich tapestry about his personal life mostly focusing on his unconventional, but active sex life. After a minute we turned around and he was DIRECTLY behind us. He didn’t react, but that doesn’t make us any less horrible.
  • I’ve logged almost 200 miles in my studio apartment on wheels and I’m starting to get the hang of it. Why don’t we all drive cars everywhere?

By the Numbers 

Sobriety: 9/10. Unlike most people I actually drink less on vacation.

Healthy Eating: 6/10. I’ve been eating a lot of garbage, but at least I’ve been eating!

Sanity: 5/10. I’m spending a lot of my free time chasing after imaginary creatures.

True Love: 0/10. Friendship is bullshit.

Steps: 13,936

Vacation Hoagies: Still just 1. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Day 26: Vacation!

I decided to rent a car for my vacation so I can actually get around in suburban PA. My mom initially offered to call Enterprise, but they told her all she could rent was a full-sized car for $50/day. I went online and reserved a mid-size car for $30/day.

Not only did I get a free upgrade, but the dude gave me a discount. 

Just gotta drop the kids off at the pool


  • My mom and I got breakfast at Plain & Fancy diner, which is neither plain nor fancy. 
  • I got some new headphones at Target and the woman gave me a discount. Why is everyone is so friendly?
  • I went on a little roadtrip with my dad today. We hit up a couple thrift stores and I “rescued” copies of Beloved, Middlesex, and The Silmarillion from a christian thrift store that I’m sure would have burned them had they known what they were. 
  • We also hit up Zern’s, which is a farmer’s market I always heard about growing up, but never visited it. Apparently my grandfather would take my dad there for livestock auctions as a kid and my dad hated it, so that probably had something to do with it. Either way, we bought delicious baked goods from an adorable little amish boy.

  • I met up with my cousin Danny and we hit up the Doylestown Brewing Co. I wanted to say mean things about them, but they’re a very good brewery. They have an oaked IPA which had surprising notes of vanilla and a smoky witbier that was delicious.
  • Danny and I had some fascinating conversations about his Catholicism and his acceptance of LGBT rights, but then things turned to Black Lives Matter and it got awkward. I like to believe I helped put things in perspective for him, but who knows.
  • We ended our night at literally the whitest bar I have  been to in the last decade, and they refused to serve us anything aside from Bud or Bud Light.

There was also a sculpture of a woman having sex with a dolphin?

Price is Right-cap

My parents are chord-cutters and don’t have a digital converter, so I couldn’t watch Price is Right. 

I watched the new Match Game though, which is good if too self-aware. Still, any show with Horatio Sanz, Tituss Burgess, Sherri Shepherd and Ana Gasteyer is worth watching. 

Best Moment: Tituss and Sherri got into a fight about if straight people can “drill that ass”

Worst Moment: Everyone was far too sober. 

By the numbers 

Sobriety: 6/10. I drank some beers. 

Healthy Eating: 5/10. I ate 3 meals today. One was cold pizza, another was a hoagie.

Sanity: 8/10. I am a good boy. 

True Love: 0/10. There are apparently Tinder bots in the suburbs too.

Steps: 2,222

Vacation Hoagies: 1. . . so far.

Day 25: Bus Whiskey

I’m headed to PA for a bit of a vacation. I’ve really earned this.


  • I downloaded Pokemon Go in the middle of the night. It’s kinda fun, but I’m not sure I really want to wander around pretending to catch Pokemon. 
  • My headphones broke the second I got on the bus, but luckily I had a friend to keep me company: BUS WHISKEY. He even brought his friend lemonade!

  • Protip: don’t go on Tinder in your home town. You will see people you went to high school with and other sad accounts.

Price is Right-cap

I have to think today’s episode was a rerun, because a gentleman had a perfect round on Pathfinder and Drew completely lost his shit in excitement. I’d be excited too if I didn’t see it happen two weeks ago.

Best Moment: a grandma spun the wheel so hard she fell down. 

Worst Moment: There were two contestants named Howard. Pick better contestants, George!

By the Numbers

Sobriety: 8/10. I didn’t have much bus whiskey to pack. 

Healthy Eating: 5/10. I had a pbj sandwich and some sicilian pizza. 

Sanity: 7/10. Nobody sat with me on the bus or train, so I was pretty relaxed. 

True Love: 1/10. I swiped right on all those girls. Let’s see where this goes. 

Steps: 8,446

Vacation Hoagies: 0 . . . so far